Having a baby is a life-changing experience, and it brings new dimensions to many aspects of life, including intimacy. After giving birth, sex may look and feel very different for every couple, and that's completely okay. Every couple's journey is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to reconnecting physically after childbirth.
Sex after children is different for everyone
Sexual intimacy after having a baby can vary greatly between individuals and couples. For some, the idea of sex might feel foreign or even intimidating, while others might feel eager to reconnect physically.
I find it important to note, that it is not always the birthing person that is most reluctant to start making love again. I see that people often wonder whether their appetite or lack of appetite can be considered 'normal'. But reality is that everything is normal! It is normal to want to wait, AND it is normal if you are (very) keen to make love again, and everything in between. It’s essential to understand that whatever you and your partner are experiencing is valid.
Partners often find that their needs and desires may not always align after having a child. This disconnect can cause tension or frustration, but open, honest communication is the key to navigating these differences. It's important to check in with each other regularly about feelings, desires, and boundaries.
A broader definition of sex
In this context (and also in general) I feel it's important to adopt a broader definition of sex, one that goes beyond the traditional notion of penetration. Intimacy can take many forms, from cuddling and kissing to holding hands or just being close. If you haven't adopted such broader definition yet, the postpartum period is a good occasion to start making this mind shift.
When there's an expectation that intimacy has to lead to full-blown sex or penetration it can create pressure. This pressure can make it harder for partners to connect in a relaxed and authentic way, leading some to avoid intimacy altogether. The fear that physical closeness must always culminate in penetration can turn moments of affection into a daunting obligation rather than a natural expression of love and care. Over time, this mindset can raise emotional boundaries and make it harder to foster meaningful connection. Redefining intimacy to include simple acts like holding hands, cuddling, or just spending time together can help create a space where both partners feel comfortable and valued, without the weight of expectation.
The impact of baby-related bodily changes
You may have a different relationship with your or your partner's body after childbirth. The birthing person experiences significant physical changes, as a result of pregnancy, birth, and possibly breastfeeding, which can impact how you feel about intimacy.
In the months and often years after birth, parents tend to have frequent bodily contact with their baby -feeding, holding, and comforting them- which may leave them feeling touched-out. For some this makes intimacy feel less appealing. This can result in a decreased desire for physical affection between partners, even though emotional intimacy remains important.
The demands of new parenthood can make it harder to focus on one’s own body. There’s a hormonally driven heightened sense of alertness, constantly checking to see if the baby needs something, and that can make it challenging to fully connect with a partner in the same way as before. This feeling isn’t exclusive to mothers—fathers can also feel a heightened sense of responsibility and vigilance, which might affect their ability to engage in intimate moments.
The significant hormonal shifts after childbirth can also lead to vaginal dryness. This is not necessarily limited to the first weeks, but may last longer. This may make sex uncomfortable or painful for some women. If you experience this, you could consider using a lubricator. Bloom concept store in Pedersgata sells a water-based intimacy gel which is kind for your body.
The physical impact of breastfeeding can also have an impact on your sex life. Your breasts may be more sensitive and less pleasant to be touched. Another thing is that when you get aroused this may cause your breasts to leak milk. For some that is no issue at all, but others find that unpleasant and a reason to avoid intimacy.
Lastly, let's not forget the impact of lack of sleep. If you are experiencing exhaustion, this definitely can have an impact on your libido.
The six-week advice: what does it really mean?
Some thoughts on the common advice to refrain from sex during the first six weeks after childbirth. Firstly, this advice doesn't apply to sex in its broader meaning of intimacy, it only applies to penetration. Other forms of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, or simply spending time together) can help you maintain a connection during this healing phase.
The reason to avoid penetration during the first six weeks after childbirth primarily centers around the physical healing process. Here's why:
Healing of the body: After giving birth, a woman's body, especially the vaginal area, requires time to heal. The perineum (the area between the vagina and anus) may be sore from the birth process, and any tears or episiotomies (a surgical cut made during birth) need time to fully heal. Engaging in penetrative sex too soon can cause discomfort, irritation, or even reopen stitches or wounds.
Lochia (postpartum bleeding): After childbirth, women experience lochia, which is postpartum bleeding and discharge. It can last for several weeks and is a normal part of recovery. Penetration during this time can introduce bacteria into the vaginal area and increase the risk of infection, particularly because the cervix is still slightly open during the early postpartum period.
Risk of infection: The body is still healing from childbirth, and the cervix can remain open for a period of time. This makes the uterus more vulnerable to infections, particularly if there is some damage that hasn't completely healed. Penetration during this period could potentially introduce bacteria and lead to infections.
Also important to note that this 6-weeks advice doesn't mean that you should be ready for penetration after six weeks -some people feel ready by then, and others not. Everyone’s recovery and readiness timeline is different, and it’s important not to pressure yourself or your partner into intimacy before you’re both ready.
Reconnection with yourself
Intimacy is about connecting with each other. To be able to really connect with someone else, you first need to -at least to some extend- be connected with yourself. However, the experience of becoming a parent, might make you feel disconnected from yourself. You might need time for self-reflection. Finding out who you have become now that you have entered this new phase of your life. It takes time to rediscover personal space, prioritize self-care, and process the emotional and physical changes that come with parenthood. Only when you feel more in tune with your own (and your partner's) new identity, needs, and body can you truly open up to intimacy with one another.
Reconnecting with oneself -whether it’s through rest, self-compassion, or rediscovering personal interests- helps create the emotional foundation needed to rebuild intimacy, allowing for a deeper, more meaningful connection that goes beyond just the physical.
Communication is key
Ultimately, making love after having a child comes down to communication and mutual understanding. You may need to find new ways to connect and learn to navigate the changes that come with parenthood. There’s no formula, and that’s perfectly okay. As long as you’re checking in with each other and prioritizing both emotional and physical needs, you’re on the right path. Your relationship as parents will continue to evolve, and so will your relationship as partners and lovers.
Take it one step at a time, respect each other's boundaries, and most importantly, create a space where both of you feel heard and supported. Reconnecting after having a child is a journey.
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